Expect less, get more

This weekend was a great example of a trip gone bad because of my expectations. These are the things that went wrong:
1. Beau was upset that we had to drive during the middle of the night to appease my anxiety.
2. I couldn't take a nap like I planned before the drive and was unable to fall asleep during the drive.
3. It was raining in Chelan when we got there at 4:30 am. I'd had my heart set on a rendezvous with the scorching sun.
4. The resort we stayed at had no rooms available for an early check-in, as they usually do.
5. We waited 7 hours to get a key to our room. They told me, over the phone, that the room would be 3 rooms away from the beach bar, but it was 9 rooms away. This is a big deal for me because I feel really uncomfortable walking long distances from what I feel is a safe place.
6. The waitress recommended a dish for lunch that I ended up not enjoying and left most of it on my plate.
7. My Kindle spazzed out and the font was unreadable.

I reacted badly to these situations, to say the least. By early afternoon I was in a foul mood and was behaving badly. My attitude did not make for a pleasant celebration of our anniversary. I felt that:

1. Beau should be more understanding that my condition is debilitating and not get upset with me over it.
2. I should have rested before the trip.
3. It should've been sunny for me (I know unrealistic)
4. People should've checked out early, so that I could have my early check-in.
5. There should not have been a mistake made with reservations. I was told I would have one room and received another.
6. The food the waitress recommended should've been good or she should've comped the cost.
7. I felt like such a victim, "why does this happen to me?"

I admittedly expect a lot from myself and anyone that comes into contact with me. I have all of these expectations of other people, like the ones listed above and most of them are completely unrealistic. I think it speaks volumes that I expected the weather to cooperate with my desires. I think I was taught that if you expect the best, you'll get the best. Although that sounds like decent advice, that attitude made my weekend quite miserable. I expected things to go as planned and for people to treat me with consideration, when this didn't happen my mood just became worse and worse.

I own the Attacking Anxiety and Depression program, though I've never completed it. One of the sessions is on expectations and how we set ourselves up for failure with these grandiose expectations. I did this and continue to do it. Changing the way we think is such a difficult task and something I think is vital to recovery from Agoraphobia.

On a positive note, the sun did come out. Beau and I had a good time and relaxed a little. Here are a couple of pictures.

Beau & I

Attempt at a cannonball

To the beach

We've had a lot of blah, gray days lately. It seems like the sun and clouds are both indecisive. I'm not a fan of these days. Luckily my Beau and I are celebrating our 3 year anniversary this weekend and will be heading east of the mountains, to the hot dry sun.

We'll lounge by the pool and soak up the sun. If it gets really hot we can take a dip in the cool lake. I'm bringing my Kindle and plan on reading The Time Traveler's Wife. The only thing I require of myself is to relax; much easier said than done.

Now to the not so glamorous part of this weekend. My agoraphobia has left me with complete fear of going anywhere during the day. I'm almost always up for going out at night, but the day is so challenging for me. This means that I'm only comfortable with traveling the 200+ miles after sundown and before sunrise. Because it's summer and almost the 21st (longest day), this means we have about a 6 hour window. Beau is going crazy thinking that we're driving before dawn because of my condition. I'm thankful he's willing though.

Beginnings aren't always good

I started having panic attacks 3 years ago, coincidentally about a month after getting married. My shrink thinks that subconsciously I do not want to be married and that is in large part why I have panic attacks. When someone with a PhD tells you something, you tend to listen. I think the shrink is wrong on this one though. I've had symptoms of anxiety for as long as I can remember. My symptoms were exacerbated when my husband, we'll call him Beau and I dated because his parents disapproved. I've always felt like everyone needs to like me (completely unrealistic, I know) and they didn't like me one bit. I was in a seemingly perpetual hell for the time that Beau and I dated and problems with his parents only increased when we were engaged. After dealing with his parents for 3 years of dating/engagement I'm not really surprised that I began having panic attacks. I didn't have the skills to properly cope with the type of stress that they brought into my life - I don't think I would know how to deal with it now, if I had to. Thankfully, we don't have a relationship with them any longer.
Anyways, that was the beginning of what seems like a long journey for anxiety and I.

C'est Moi

My agoraphobia varies from severe to non-existent at times. I push myself really hard at times because there is nothing more that I want than to beat this. Though there are times, like today, where I just feel worn and I don't feel like trying any longer. I'm scared to leave my house, especially when I'm alone. I'm in my early 20's and it doesn't seem fair that I would have to endure this phobia when I haven't even had a chance to live a fulfilling life. I suppose that is what this blog is about: my attempt at getting through agoraphobia in order to really live. I'll post about my daily hardships, my sometimes rocky marriage and anything else that may occupy my mind.